Twins in Session by Friedman Joan A.;

Author:Friedman, Joan A.;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rocky Pines Press
Published: 2018-08-15T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 5

Crisis of Identity

When Alex came to see me, his presenting issue was the need to understand why he had put up with persistent emotional and physical abuse from his boyfriend. As described in chapter 1, Alex, as well as his twin brother, Brad, had never learned to process his feelings, having grown up protecting his mother from an abusive husband and being caught up in a reverse parenting dynamic. As for the brothers’ relationship, Alex told me that he and Brad “didn’t really discuss feelings.” Nevertheless, their primary attachment was to each other. Now in their early thirties, they were quarreling a lot, which was another reason why Alex needed to talk to someone.

Alex was particularly distressed that Brad was shutting him out when he needed him most—during his difficult breakup with his boyfriend. Without Brad’s “input and guidance,” Alex said that he was “completely lost.” I asked Alex to explain how he had come to depend on input from Brad and why his brother’s guidance was so crucial.

He said, “I could never do anything wrong as a kid, even if I wanted to, because Brad was there and he would tell on me. I never had a life of being by myself, ever. So I couldn’t do anything wrong because my conscience—Brad—was always right there, keeping me in line. I didn’t really think about it then, but I couldn’t do anything without Brad knowing what I was doing. Even if he didn’t say anything, Brad always knew, and I knew that he knew.”

It was as if Brad’s role as Alex’s “conscience” completed Alex, made him whole. Having this internalized judge inside him meant that Alex would never do anything that he knew his brother would be critical or disapproving of. And without the need for any conversation between them, Alex became adept at anticipating Brad’s every potential judgment of him.

He recalled how his social behavior in college was wordlessly overseen by Brad: “Even if I had done my work, I knew that Brad would be critical if I wanted to go away for the weekend . He wouldn’t have to say anything, he wouldn’t have to do anything, but I’d know that he would be thinking, ‘How can you possibly be going away for the weekend when you have a paper due on Monday?’ So even though I knew it was okay for me to go because my paper was complete, just the fact that he was judging me, even if it was never said, meant that I would never have allowed myself to go.”

Brad filled in pieces that Alex felt were missing in himself. Alex had always taken for granted that his brother was a part of him in an essential way, and thus he always had the mentality of a we-self.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.